I want to quit music

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Hi. Never thought it would come to this but I need to vent BAD.

Where tf do I even start?

I nearly failed 11th grade because of my absences from school and I’m in 12th and haven’t even gone to school for a month despite telling my self I will tomorrow. And all of this is part of because of my passion for music which recently started fading.

I used to write music almost 24/7 coming up with ideas in my mind for catchy lyrics and wordplay, but now all I want to do is nothing because I don’t know anything but music. It’s gotten to the point where people call me stupid because I’ve withdrawn so much from my social life just to focus on music.

Wrote 3 songs last week. All of them were total garbage and I can’t believe I thought they were the slightest bit acceptable by my A&R and managers.

I wrote the worst letter apologizing for my delay in new music too so they probably think I’m a bum now too.
I just feel so lost and like a loser. I’m nearly 18 and living off my mothers welfare with her and I don’t want it to be like this. Music was going to be my way out but now I don’t even want to do it anymore it gives me so much anxiety and to top that my life is boring so there’s nothing much I could add to my music. I have a couple songs about 3 girls who I’m not sure if I dumped them or they dumped me because of how boring I am.
Keep in mind I had 3 girlfriends in the span of 5 months and couldn’t keep one…
The songs were good but now I ran out of material to write and I feel like my managers think I’m a bum and I don’t really want to make music anymore because it’s very stressful and makes me write about negative experiences in my life when I want to forget them in the first place. And I don’t really want to write conscious music, it’s just not my thing.

I started making music when I started taking prescribed adderall so I’m pretty sure the drug drives my passion but before being prescribed I was riddled with suicidal thoughts. It’s a catch 22 here. I just know if I find a way to keep making music I will succeed because I have a new genre I’ve been pioneering and my managers have great connections, but that passion I once had is not there anymore. It’s to the point where listening to music feels like a chore because I analyze everything an artist does.

Life’s a bitch too, I have depersonalization and the adderall seems to not remove the suicidal thoughts I previously had before starting it. They don’t come back as much but I get them once a day and just feel like life isn’t real. I’m just hoping to find a way to make around $30K and get the hell out of Society and move to a peaceful island.

Anyways, that is my vent lmao. If anyone has had near similar experiences please let me know any suggestions you might have for what the next step for me could be because I feel all alone and completely lost. Thank you 🙁

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